Disappointment Never

Tiny things we do in life take us a long way.
Likewise small mistakes we make can make us pay.
A minuscule amount of force, with a proper leverage can shake a whole mountain.
An ant can bring down an elephant.

Words are worse than arrows.
Proper choice creates unimaginable bonds.
Bad ones cause irreparable wounds.
Words are worse than arrows.

It is different how each person reacts to situations and eventually deal with them. Growing to be 21 years now, I have committed many mistakes and lucky me, my well wishers have always been kind enough to punish me for my wrong doings. As stupid a kid I was, I must have been through, if not all for forms of learning the harder way, but atleast most of them. But there are very few forms of those punishments I remember, even lesser I remember is the reason I was punished. However, there is this one incident I recall very distinctly for it was the nature of the punishment I was subjected to.

I was in 8th standard. I was to do science project with a friend of mine. I had told my mother that I would head to his place directly after school and carry out the required work. But as things turned out, I found more enterprising and entertaining options that day. Another bunch of friends decided to play cricket in the school grounds and casually invited me to join.

I thought for a second. I had permission to stay out in the afternoon, I said to myself. So yeah, I can play for a bit and then eventually go to whereever I was destined to go.

As you see, games are too absorbing, no sense of time I had, played away to glory. Before I realized, the sun was setting and the boys called it quits. I was only then that it came thundering down on me the magnitude of the time I had spent in the outdoors. I immediately called up this project partner, couldn't reach him of the phone, so informed his mother that I wont be coming that day.

Incidentally during this while, it had so happened that this boy had called up my place quite a few times in the afternoon trying to find out where I was. My mom was shocked, called up loads of friends until one of them told that there was this plan going n school about some match after classes. My mom immediately came down in an auto to the grounds, saw me there, felt reassured at heart that I was alive and safe but ,,,.

I came back home a while later in a jolly mood as if my science project was going to be the next Chandrayaan. My pant was dirty and may be torn a bit also I guess, don't remember exactly. Then my mom asks, how the project work went. Confidently I reply, "Great! but I could not complete, so will have to meet up again".

My mom didn't say a thing. I had believed that I had pulled it off perfectly and nobody needed to know about my little adventure. I never felt a little guilt or fear that I am doing wrong. I even thought I will tell this incident to mum some other happy evening and just get away laughing about it.

My mom remained silent.

I wash myself up, change and hungry that I was, ask mom for food. She puts the plate down, looks into my eyes and said two words which I will never forget.

The tone.
The surrounding.
Her face.
Her voice.
Her eyes.

"I'm disappointed", was what she precisely said.

Her eyes were swollen like a bucket filled to the brim and still being filled.
Her voice was hollow.
The surroundings fell silent, quiet. Everything went pitch dark.
Her tone was gentle, may be too gentle or broken down.

My world had come crashing down upon me. There was no need for her to even say the limited words she said. I knew I had let her down. There was nothing I could do. I did not have the courage to go up to her and say I was sorry. I sat in the corner of the room crying, or atleast trying to cry. A girl I was. It was all I knew.

All were tears go soaked up. Even they refused to wash away what I had done. I tried to beat myself up. It felt like sitting right down at the abyss and bearing the weight of the whole world upon me. I was just hoping there was a way I could what I had done.

I so wanted to go back in time just about 10 minutes back and tell her all what had happened. I wanted to remove this memory for her sake from her mind forever. Now, I just hope there could have been those heroes - Hiro Nakamura or Hessian.

I tried to talk, say things, try and try to make things normal. As a matter of fact, nothing could. Once done cannot be undone. No salvage too possible. There it was. There was nothing I could say or do to get the situation any better. Acting on impulse, I had done myself in. I didn't mean to play cricket or mean to lie to my mother after playing.

As for my mom, she was not angry at me. She was not feeling sad for what I done. She was simply hurt. She couldn't say it. It was something she had not imagined even in the wildest of her dreams despite knowing how wild her son was. She was broken. There was the loss of trust- the broken bond, unmendable may be. She was also aware that I did not mean to lie to her and that I just felt that there was no need for her to know about it, atleast then. She acted as if she could not care less. But I do know, she did not get her nights sleep. There are weird way of expressing love. Some kill others for love. Strange we people are. Others kill themselves for it. It was truly at that point that I was far more disappointed in myself that anyone else in me.

A wave of disappointment washes over me
Drowning and overwhelming like the sea
Hits me hard like an unseen wave
Unexpectedness pulled me to this cave

From that day on till this, I had managed not to hear her or anyone say that about me.
It was by far the simplest of the punishments that I had got but by far the harshest. This was not the first time I had lied but it was definitely my last. Earlier, in my younger days, I had lied about stealing a rupee for a bike sticker or a tattoo. I had even torn up my quiz answer paper because I had got less marks and told home that the paper was not distributed. In all these, I was eventually caught. I was punished. But I did repeat similar things again. I have committed blunders, that I have.

And, I think I still am in punishment.

The point here is not about lying or for that matter, my sad life story. There are instances where I have done things and could easily get away with it, without anybody knowing about it. Certain things out of free will not thinking about how it affects the dear ones around me. I am an idiot and there is no second to it. But if there is something, i have done, a mistake probably, i deserve punishment. I am gladly willing to accept it. I can live with lot of things and without a lot others. But I can't live with the guilt of a being a betrayer. For I am not. Not one bit consciously or being aware, have I done or will do things which can turn me that way. I am random. I am arbit. I am drifter also. I tend to get carried away.Yes! But amidst all this I am still the same myself.

A torn cloth can't be possibly mended, I know. But if there is still even a single strand of linen, then ......

The first rays of sunlight fall on my bed now. I sit and stare, waiting for the sun.